Lost Without a Dream
by lovejag
Summary: Sometimes when dreams come crashing down other dreams have to replace it. Episode reaction fanfic.


"Lost Without a Dream"  
  
By Rita Widmer  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG.  
  
AN: This is an episode reaction story. It takes place in between Mac's leaving the hospital, and before she shows up at the Academy.   
  
Spoilers: Hail and Farewell  
  
Mac's Apartment  
  
Mac slowly opened the door to her apartment. It wasn't that she was afraid of what she would find, but it was the memories that haunted the rooms of time gone by. This was where all her dreams were made, and now she wondered if they had all past her by.  
  
Once inside, she moved slowly to her bedroom. A part of her wished she could have stayed in the hospital so she could miss tonight's event, but she couldn't in her heart miss a last chance to say good-bye to the Admiral. She didn't want to put on a fake smile, and act like her dreams had not just been all broken by a few choice words by the doctor.  
  
The doctor plummeted her with information on her condition, and the chances of having children. Slim to none, she said about having children. Translated in her head as you will never have your dreams come true.   
  
A part of her was not surprised that this was happening to her. It had to be punishment of some sort, because all the men in her life are either dead or wish they were. Webb was only a new person on her totem pole of men to die.  
  
Leaning over to put on her nylons, the pain rushed up her back once again. She was left breathing heavily through the pain. Cursing her pain and all that was causing it. Laying down she tried to breathe slowly until it would pass once again.  
  
The doctor told her to talk to somebody, but who could she call? There was no one to call. They were all dealing with the Admiral's leaving, and at his party. A party she was supposed to be at right now.  
  
Screw the party, she wanted to scream out loud. Today she had lost her dreams, and all she wanted to do was remember what she had lost. To remember all the reasons why those dreams would never come true.  
  
She could pick a million places to go back to that could have changed everything, and instead of cursing her body she would be in a houseful of children calling out for her. That was one of her favorite dreams was her coming home to kids calling out 'Mom,' and rushing up to her give her a hug. All of them with that irresistible flyboy smile.  
  
In the past year, she had given up so many of her dreams, because reality told her it was never going to happen. At the time, she thought giving up on ever being with a man you are in love with was the hardest dream to lose.  
  
Oh no, life had a way of finding new and worse dreams to give up for her. A harsh reality had settled over her when she realized on her way home tonight that she was destined to be alone.  
  
There would be no children, no loving husband, no home filled with love, only a life serving her country. Even that would have to end some day. She still held onto that dream of dying heroically.   
  
Maybe a part of her knew that was her destiny. Dying heroically when there is a family waiting at home for you almost seemed cruel. Her chances of doing something great like that were slim while she was at JAG. Maybe she needed to change her designator to where she would be in some action. There had to be more she could be doing in her life.  
  
If her life was not meant to give love and life to children then she had to find some other goal to fight and live for. She was going to do it as soon as she recovered from her next operation. She was going to find a new life with a new purpose. She had to do it for herself.   
  
She finished dressing in her dress uniform. The pain was still there, but she was starting to learn to live with it. It was a reminder of what she had to do, and a reminder of what she had lost not just today but in the last year.  
  
She had said 'never' like it was a promise that it would never happen between her and Harm. He would always believe that word, because she had spoken it. It had been the end of one dream, but she wanted that friendship back again. She needed it now that she had lost so much in a small amount of time. She would just have to make sure he understood what she was doing and why.  
  
The cab would be there in another 10 minutes, and she still needed to put on her makeup. It was while she was looking in the mirror, she realized she had been crying. Luckily one thing her past had taught her was how to put on makeup to hide it.  
  
She reached the outside door before the cab arrived. She would somehow survive tonight's events, and come back home to plan her future. Of course, she didn't know that Harm was going to throw a wrench in all her carefully set plans.  
  
The smile that came on her face as she got in the cab surprised even her, but she knew tonight was for life changing events. She was going to face them head on no matter what happens, and make sure the Admiral had a wonderful good-bye dinner. Their lives were all turning, and hopefully all for the better in the long run.  
  
The marine in her was back for now. It would falter again when she arrived at the Academy when she was faced with the person that she would have to give up to move on from JAG. She hoped he would understand what was going to happen and support her, and if he didn't then it would be the end of them.  
  
Her future was in front of her, and she didn't know what it would entail. All she knew was that she had to depend on her own strength to survive.  
  
The End 


End file.
